Aleen Mean

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything but technical documentation that I feel like I’ve forgotten how. The beautiful words that give prose its color and texture have been relegated to a dusty box in the back of my brain. They’ve been replaced by simple, utilitarian words and short sentences as I aim to make instructions accessible to as many people as possible.

I have valid reasons for neglecting this space, mostly revolving around my health and mental energy (I’m optimistic that we’ve recently figured out a way to ease the worst of my symptoms.). I also have excuses, primarily rooted in fear. Maybe I’m no good. Maybe nobody will like what I have to say. Maybe I’ll incite a hate mob. Maybe I should just leave this writing stuff to the people who are actually good at it.

My husband’s friend Sean McCabe talks about iterating in public: Learning and improving your craft over time while sharing the journey with others. Giving yourself the permission and space to be imperfect (This is one of my biggest struggles. After I publish a post, I go back for days and tweak things.).

Additionally, Georgia Dow recently told me that she made a conscious decision to redefine what failure meant for her. For her, failure isn’t being unsuccessful at a given endeavor, it’s not trying.

So I’m going to take the advice of these two smart people and write publicly for all to see. My only failure will occur if I don’t actually try.

I’ve had a pretty rough time over the last few days. I always struggle around the holidays (thanks, childhood baggage!), the air quality in Phoenix is absolutely disgusting (which means that I’m not breathing so well), and I’m really stressed over a few upcoming events. This has all added up to an overwhelming sense of ick.

I’m not going to focus on that, because if I do I’m just going to spiral out of control and I really can’t afford to pull myself out of that pit right now. Instead, I thought I’d share some of my plans for next year.

Many of my goals are related to my podcast, Less Than Or Equal. The show has grown faster than I anticipated it would and, in fewer than six months, I’ve made some amazing new friends and learned a whole heckuva lot.

I’d like to continue the show. I’d like to find a way to get transcripts of every episode done to make it accessible to even more people. I’d like to find a way to gain even more listeners because more listeners means easier access to a greater variety of guests. I want to make the time to put together a list of diversity 101 resources for people.

I started a new job in April and I love it, but I’m working from home now and becoming a little bit too insular. I’d like to get more involved in the local tech community. I’d like to attend and maybe even speak at more geeky events (we’re going to PAX East in March, which will be a good start). I’d also love to go on some fun podcasts to talk about things a little bit less serious than diversity and equality.

Justin and I have a sekrit project we’re working on and I’d love to finish planning that and get it off the ground soon.

As always, I need to figure out how to juggle everything. The podcast takes a substantial amount of time, I’m still trying to figure out how to get healthy, I have yet to find a good housecleaning workflow, and I work full time. I suspect that as I continue allergy injections and feel better over time, these things will get easier for me.

Until last week, I’d only been to San Diego for Comic-Con. Justin and I decided to treat ourselves to a honeymoon/first anniversary trip, and this seemed like the logical destination since it’s such an easy drive.

While we worked for most of the trip, we were able to get out and work our photography muscles (Justin wanted to work wholly with his iPhone and may blog about it soon). I thought I’d share a few of the shots I captured. These are unedited except to convert them from raw files and to resize.

This is actually an iPhone shot, but I’m so pleased with how well it turned out.

I tried to give myself some creative constraints on this trip, one of which was to rely only on prime lenses unless there was a picture emergency. This presented some challenges, especially when this gorilla was sitting with his back to the handprint-smeared glass and the sun directly in front of me. I’m sure there’s some post-processing I can do to clean up this shot, but I still really love it.

Ocean Beach has an area by the pier where the sand has been so compacted by the water it’s almost like concrete. It’s just pliable enough that, if you have a sharp object, you can carve into the surface and leave a semi-permanent mark once the tide goes out.

Friday night’s sunset was stunning.

Ocean Beach Sunset from Aleen Simms on Vimeo.

We also made a time-lapse recording of the sunset. It’s the first time I’ve used the feature on my phone and I made the mistake of locking the focus, which also seems to lock exposure (so watch the video with your screen’s brightness turned up). Still, I enjoy the way it fades from yellow to orange to black.</p>

On Friday I had the pleasure of talking with Brianna Wu, cofounder of Giant Spacekat (makers of the soon to be released Revolution 60) for Less Than Or Equal. I’m hoping to have that episode up today for your listening pleasure. Edit: Here it is!

At one point while we were talking I said that even though I play games I don’t consider myself a gamer. I’ve been thinking about the comment since I made it. I mean, I have always considered myself a writer even though there have been great swaths of time when I haven’t written a word outside of work. I think of myself as a reader even though I don’t make time to read for pleasure ((And, during a dismal period of time, I literally went more than a year without reading a book)). This is why I love having books on my phone. I read a few minutes here and there but rarely sit down with the intent of reading.

But as much as I read on my phone, I also play games on my phone. If I have a minute while standing in line, I’m as likely to launch Threes as I am the Kindle app. I recently dedicated two weeks of my free time to play The Last of Us. Every few weeks I think of playing World of Warcraft or Starcraft again.

Beyond that, Justin and I love to host game nights with our friends. We play games like Cards Against Humanity, Munchkin, and Gloom.

I am a gamer. So why don’t I think of myself as one?

When I think of a gamer, I think of someone highly invested in games. They ((My perception of a “real” gamer is not gendered.)) know what games are coming out soon, can tell you the backstories of NPCs, and make time to play them regularly. They’ve played a variety of games. They don’t have to look at the PS3 controller when the game instructs them to press the square key. They certainly don’t play on Easy with auto-targeting turned on.

As you may have guessed, I don’t fit into any of those categories (except for knowing some Starcraft and vague World of Warcraft lore). I couldn’t tell you what games studios are planning to release next week or next year. I still don’t know where the triangle, circle, square, and othershape ((I had to look it up: X.)) are on the PS3 controller. And yes, I played The Last of Us on easy and auto-targeted threats.

I expected to get some things wrong when I decided to start Less Than Or Equal. I didn’t expect myself to get all introspective and call myself out after my first interview. But here I go.

I was totally and completely wrong to say that I’m not a gamer. Furthermore, my perception of what a real gamer is contributes to the elitist attitude we see so frequently in the gaming industry. I play games. I love games. I miss them when I’m not playing them. In the end, the love and desire to play is what makes us gamers–not our ability.

Hello. My name is Aleen. I’m totally a gamer.

It’s one of my first memories. We’re in a brightly-lit hospital room. Mom tells me Uncle Kenny will be here soon. There’s a doctor talking to my mom and then I’m standing on a platform. My mom has a weird apron on and someone’s telling me to raise my arms up and hold still. Then I have to turn sideways and do it again. Another severe asthma attack, another trip to the emergency department, another chest X-ray.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve never been the picture of health. I was in and out of the hospital a number of times before I was four, when either my mom and medical team were able to figure out how to control my asthma or it simply started decreasing in severity.

My memories of high school revolve around always feeling tired and trying to stay awake while juggling school, work, and extracurricular activities. I always wondered why I couldn’t get it together when so many of my classmates took on more than I was able to manage.

It’s persisted into adulthood. I want to be less lethargic, but I just can’t seem to manage it.

In my mid- to late-20s, I lost over 100 pounds by eating a restricted calorie diet and exercising. Then, something broke and I inexplicably gained 60 pounds back in less than a year.

I’ve been to doctors and been lectured. “Women come in here and want something to be wrong. But they just need to eat less and move more. People are looking for excuses when they’re just lazy.”

I went to one of the top endocrinologists in the Phoenix area and ugly cried in her office when she said that, while my symptoms were alarming, there was “no hormonal reason” for me to be experiencing them. ((About a month later, I found a thyroid expert in Scottsdale. I handed him a list of symptoms and the labs from the endo and he immediately said, “Oh my God. Your thyroid is all out of whack.” It took six months before we found a medication and dose that worked for me. For the first time in years, I was able to read a book.))

The really, truly heartbreaking thing is that I so desperately want to be healthy. It seems like I’m constantly adding to the list of things that aren’t quite right. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was two. Polycystic ovarian syndrome when I was 17. I had to have an emergency cholecystectomy when I was 23 and my gallbladder was like, “Lookie, I maded you all of these presents!!” When I was 28 I started breaking out in rashes if I was in the sun for more than a few minutes at a time. This is also when we figured out that the cause of my debilitating stomach pain was gluten-containing foods. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism a year later. Now I’m on a year-round regimen of Zyrtec for environmental allergies and have to carry an inhaler with me because I might have an asthma attack at any time.

I figure one thing out and add two things to the list.

Last week, when Justin and I were visiting my family for the 4th of July, my mom suggested that I contact my biological father to ask for my paternal medical history. My gut reaction and initial analysis were to stay away; I’ve never met the man and am not sure I want to open myself up to him, even for my health.

But today the room spins when I turn my head or try to stand and I wonder if maybe there’s something there that he can help me uncover. Maybe it’s worth a shot after all.