Aleen Mean

On Friday I had the pleasure of talking with Brianna Wu, cofounder of Giant Spacekat (makers of the soon to be released Revolution 60) for Less Than Or Equal. I’m hoping to have that episode up today for your listening pleasure. Edit: Here it is!

At one point while we were talking I said that even though I play games I don’t consider myself a gamer. I’ve been thinking about the comment since I made it. I mean, I have always considered myself a writer even though there have been great swaths of time when I haven’t written a word outside of work. I think of myself as a reader even though I don’t make time to read for pleasure ((And, during a dismal period of time, I literally went more than a year without reading a book)). This is why I love having books on my phone. I read a few minutes here and there but rarely sit down with the intent of reading.

But as much as I read on my phone, I also play games on my phone. If I have a minute while standing in line, I’m as likely to launch Threes as I am the Kindle app. I recently dedicated two weeks of my free time to play The Last of Us. Every few weeks I think of playing World of Warcraft or Starcraft again.

Beyond that, Justin and I love to host game nights with our friends. We play games like Cards Against Humanity, Munchkin, and Gloom.

I am a gamer. So why don’t I think of myself as one?

When I think of a gamer, I think of someone highly invested in games. They ((My perception of a “real” gamer is not gendered.)) know what games are coming out soon, can tell you the backstories of NPCs, and make time to play them regularly. They’ve played a variety of games. They don’t have to look at the PS3 controller when the game instructs them to press the square key. They certainly don’t play on Easy with auto-targeting turned on.

As you may have guessed, I don’t fit into any of those categories (except for knowing some Starcraft and vague World of Warcraft lore). I couldn’t tell you what games studios are planning to release next week or next year. I still don’t know where the triangle, circle, square, and othershape ((I had to look it up: X.)) are on the PS3 controller. And yes, I played The Last of Us on easy and auto-targeted threats.

I expected to get some things wrong when I decided to start Less Than Or Equal. I didn’t expect myself to get all introspective and call myself out after my first interview. But here I go.

I was totally and completely wrong to say that I’m not a gamer. Furthermore, my perception of what a real gamer is contributes to the elitist attitude we see so frequently in the gaming industry. I play games. I love games. I miss them when I’m not playing them. In the end, the love and desire to play is what makes us gamers–not our ability.

Hello. My name is Aleen. I’m totally a gamer.

It’s one of my first memories. We’re in a brightly-lit hospital room. Mom tells me Uncle Kenny will be here soon. There’s a doctor talking to my mom and then I’m standing on a platform. My mom has a weird apron on and someone’s telling me to raise my arms up and hold still. Then I have to turn sideways and do it again. Another severe asthma attack, another trip to the emergency department, another chest X-ray.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve never been the picture of health. I was in and out of the hospital a number of times before I was four, when either my mom and medical team were able to figure out how to control my asthma or it simply started decreasing in severity.

My memories of high school revolve around always feeling tired and trying to stay awake while juggling school, work, and extracurricular activities. I always wondered why I couldn’t get it together when so many of my classmates took on more than I was able to manage.

It’s persisted into adulthood. I want to be less lethargic, but I just can’t seem to manage it.

In my mid- to late-20s, I lost over 100 pounds by eating a restricted calorie diet and exercising. Then, something broke and I inexplicably gained 60 pounds back in less than a year.

I’ve been to doctors and been lectured. “Women come in here and want something to be wrong. But they just need to eat less and move more. People are looking for excuses when they’re just lazy.”

I went to one of the top endocrinologists in the Phoenix area and ugly cried in her office when she said that, while my symptoms were alarming, there was “no hormonal reason” for me to be experiencing them. ((About a month later, I found a thyroid expert in Scottsdale. I handed him a list of symptoms and the labs from the endo and he immediately said, “Oh my God. Your thyroid is all out of whack.” It took six months before we found a medication and dose that worked for me. For the first time in years, I was able to read a book.))

The really, truly heartbreaking thing is that I so desperately want to be healthy. It seems like I’m constantly adding to the list of things that aren’t quite right. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was two. Polycystic ovarian syndrome when I was 17. I had to have an emergency cholecystectomy when I was 23 and my gallbladder was like, “Lookie, I maded you all of these presents!!” When I was 28 I started breaking out in rashes if I was in the sun for more than a few minutes at a time. This is also when we figured out that the cause of my debilitating stomach pain was gluten-containing foods. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism a year later. Now I’m on a year-round regimen of Zyrtec for environmental allergies and have to carry an inhaler with me because I might have an asthma attack at any time.

I figure one thing out and add two things to the list.

Last week, when Justin and I were visiting my family for the 4th of July, my mom suggested that I contact my biological father to ask for my paternal medical history. My gut reaction and initial analysis were to stay away; I’ve never met the man and am not sure I want to open myself up to him, even for my health.

But today the room spins when I turn my head or try to stand and I wonder if maybe there’s something there that he can help me uncover. Maybe it’s worth a shot after all.

After a night brought to me by insomnia, I slept in a little this morning. One of the first things Justin said to me was, “Have you heard about the Hobby Lobby thing yet?”

“What Hobby Lobby thing?”

“Just. Just search for the hashtag on Twitter.”

It took about three seconds for my blood to boil. To sum up, the Supreme Court of the United States has decided that Hobby Lobby doesn’t have to buy insurance that will cover contraceptives for their employees.

Let’s just set aside the Every Sperm is Sacred Argument for now and get very TMI. We’re all friends here on the Internet, right? (If you don’t want to read Aleen Period Facts, skip the italicized bits below.)

I started getting periods when I was in the 5th or 6th grade. From the start, they were miserable. I would get nauseated, curl up in a ball, and hope that my “feminine product” would last more than an hour so that I wouldn’t have to get out of bed. I’ve had them start unexpectedly with a flow so heavy that my jeans were soaked with blood. I’ve had periods last for three weeks at a time, stop for a week, and then start again for another few weeks. I’ve gone more than a year without a period without the help of birth control.

Do you know what’s helped me with all of that? Contraceptives. I don’t need to miss a week of work at a time because I can’t sit upright, worry about anemia, or buy mega packs of pads and tampons.

“But Aleen,” you may argue, “some types of birth control are generic and affordable. These women can afford to get on one of those.”

First I would ask, “When was the last time you lived on Ramen noodles because you were paid minimum wage?” Sure, some generics are less than $20 per month. When your daily food budget is way less than $5, however, $20 for a prescription is a big hit.

Secondly, I literally tried a dozen (or more!) kinds of birth control before I was able to find a solution that worked for me. Birth control is hormonal, and everyone’s hormones are different. There’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.

Now let’s talk about pregnancy. If you can’t deal with the consequences, don’t have sex, right? Well, I know that absence-only education has really prevented teens from having sex (13% of my high school class had at least one child on graduation day), but it’s unrealistic to think that people aren’t going to have sex. What about women who are raped? I know that you might think that a “legitimate rape” will cause a woman’s reproductive organs to shut down, but you’re wrong.

And which is worse: preventing a sperm from fertilizing an egg, aborting a baby, or going on welfare because you make minimum wage and can’t afford to take care of your child? (“They’re all bad!” Okay, that can be between God and me. I’ll absolve you from any responsibility for my reproductive decisions.)

Lastly, as Ruth Bader Ginsberg pointed out in her dissenting opinion, this is setting a dangerous precedent.

Maybe if healthcare were truly affordable for people in the United States, we wouldn’t need to debate this issue. But even with the Affordable Care Act, it’s out of reach for many of us.

I am so. tired. of this conversation. I’m tired of my uterus being up for debate. I’m tired of having to argue that women are people too. I don’t understand why we’re creating bullshit problems like this instead of growing up.

Today was rotten.

I spent the afternoon at an allergist’s office, trying to figure out why I had a spontaneous asthma attack in the middle of the night a few weeks ago. Turns out, I’m allergic to some things (as shown by a skin-prick test). It took hours for the hives to go away.

I also had to do a pulmonary function test, which triggered an asthma attack, go to an imaging center for a chest X-ray, and then go to a lab to have my blood drawn.

By the time I got home, I was just done. I didn’t want to interact with anybody, I didn’t want to cook dinner, and I certainly didn’t have the wherewithal to clean. We ordered pizza instead of being responsible. After months of threatening to, I finally restarted playing The Last of Us. Justin managed to work up the willpower to empty the overflowing kitchen trash can but that was about as far as our ambition went.

He came in from the garage. “I have something to tell you.”

“Okay,” I said, “What’s up?”

“You’re not going to like it.” He paused, then continued. “The freezer door didn’t seal all the way and the food inside of it is warm.”

He didn’t mean the refrigerator/freezer in the house. He meant the dedicated freezer in the garage where hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of grass-fed beef, organic produce, and Justin’s lunchtime burritos were stored.

I’m not really a cryer, but I came close tonight.

I’m trying to be grateful. There were a few things we were able to salvage (a couple of items right under the fan in the back of the freezer were still completely solid). A lot of things were partially frozen, so the smell wasn’t too overwhelming. The unit is now completely clean. I cleaned out the freezer in the house to make room for the few things we salvaged from the garage, so now I can check that off of my to-do list. (Just what I wanted to do after a day of misery.)

And mostly, while this is a major hit and it hurts like hell, we’ll be okay. No, we won’t be able to buy another half beef (we were down to about a quarter beef before tonight) anytime soon, and I don’t think I’ll replace the $35 bag of salmon we bought yesterday for a while. But we can buy meat, frozen veggies, and Justin burritos when we need them. I know that’s more than a lot of people can say.

Still. This day was literally rotten.

The idea came to me about a month ago. “I should start a podcast that focuses on women in technology!” I exclaimed, out of the blue.

Justin and I talked about it quite a bit over the next few days.

“You know you’re going to get threats,” he said.

“I know. People can be pretty crappy sometimes.” ((If ever I’ve wanted to be proven wrong, it’s now.))

It took a while to hammer out the details. Justin came up with the name in a sudden stroke of genius, Less Than Or Equal, created the logo and website, and researched the best way to record. (Because he’s amazing.)

I spent a lot of time hammering out the premise. It’s not just woman who are underrepresented in the tech industry. It’s not just the tech industry where people still face inequality. So my focus shifted slightly to include more groups of people and more fields of interest.

I didn’t want it to be a negative show, either. Sure, I could invite people on and we could talk about the horrible state of things, but that would get tedious for everyone involved pretty quickly. I decided that the focus of the show should be talking about what the amazing things people who are discriminated against are doing. There will definitely be stories about the adversity people have faced and discussion surrounding how we can make changes for both ourselves and for geeky kiddos. It’s going to be a fine line to walk, I think; my hope is that I’ll be able to walk it well.

My hope is that Less Than Or Equal will open doors and help us start taking meaningful steps toward true equality in my industry and related fields.

I have concerns. Yes, I’m going to get threats and I’m sure that will be frightening. I’m going to make people mad. I’m going to have to get better at confrontation.

Mostly, though, I’m worried that people won’t want to come on the show because they’re afraid of misspeaking. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do this issue justice, that the podcast won’t strike the right tone. I’m afraid that people won’t even give it a chance.

Before I allow my doubts to take hold, I have to take a deep breath and say:

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. ~Samuel Beckett

If Less Than Or Equal isn’t a success there will still be value in it and I will find another way to make a meaningful difference.

Your support would mean the world to me. You can listen to the first episode on the website; it’s been submitted to iTunes but probably won’t be approved until tomorrow sometime and, even then, it will be a while before it’s indexed so you can search for it. You can also like it on Facebook and follow the Twitter account. More than anything, though, I need people who are willing to come on the show. If you’re interested, please let me know.