Aleen Mean

I should be getting it together. A week and a half after leaving one job and a week after starting a new one, my life is in chaos. The kitchen needs to be cleaned, my office is a wreck, and my clean clothing options are limited. But today, amidst the chaos and information overload that accompanies starting a new endeavor, I’m starting to feel like me for the first time in a while. Instead of trudging along from one catastrophe to the next, I’m able to take a step back and just…breathe. Life is good.

I met Rowan six years ago, at her uncle’s 50th birthday party. I can distinctly remember the pride with which my coworker Tina pointed her out. “That’s my daughter. She beat leukemia.”

At the ripe age of ten, she was this incredibly mature woman-child. I didn’t have many conversations with her, only a a few words here and there when she came into work with Tina. She spoke with consideration and thoughtfulness. She was always kind, always patient, always respectful.

And then…. And then. Leukemia came back, but Rowan’s treatment was going well. The wonder of modern medicine was able to break her immune system down so that her body would be able to accept the gift of new bone marrow. The curse was that her immune system was unable to fight off the germs rampant in a hospital and, five years ago today, she died because she caught a cold.

I’ve grown close to both of Rowan’s mommies over the last five years. We have laughed, cried, and banded together in times of tragedy and stress. I’m at a point where sometimes I’m not sure where my memories of Ro end and where the stories Michele and Tina have told me begin.

All of this is to say that today, my heart has been with my friends all day. I hope that you were able to honor Rowan today. I hope that you wandered in your memories and remembered how kind, smart, and funny she was. I hope you remember her resilience and her grace, even when she was burdened with more than many adults can bare.

Mostly, I hope you were able to bask in her love for you both.

The other day it occurred to me, not for the first time, that my commute to and from work is an additional part-time job.

On a short day, I spend 10 hours away from home; frequently, traffic is bad or I have to work late to meet a deadline and my day is even longer. No wonder I’m so tired every night! I spend my weekend running errands, prepping food, catching up on the chores I neglect, and trying to recover from my week. By the time I’m ready to put some work in on my personal projects, it’s Monday and I have to start all over again.

It’s too much.

I’ve got to let something go, and unfortunately I think that means that writing will have to take a (continued) back burner. It breaks my heart, but so does the constant berating I’ve been inflicting on myself every day I haven’t posted something on here. If you’re keeping track, that’s a lot of days I’ve been beating myself up!

It took a lot of soul-searching for me to winnow my projects down to just creative writing, helping my husband as he starts his business, photography, and exercise. More recently, it’s taken weeks of stress for me to realize even that is just too much for me right now.

But soon, I hope, my projects at work will be a little less intense and I will be able to work from home more. When that happens, expect to hear from me more often :)

Photo by Steve McCurry

“But what do you want to create?”

I’ve been asked the question a dozen times since my post summarizing 2013. My answer is always some variation of, “I want to take beautiful pictures. I want to write inspiring sentences. I want to make non-annyoing music.” I don’t want to draw better or learn how to paint. Maybe someday, but not for years and years to come. My creations are different than that.

I have a dear friend who is an extremely talented artist in the way that people think of artistry: he draws and colors his pictures using a variety of media. He recently told me that photography is not art. After all, he explained, the only thing you need to do is point a camera at the subject and press a button.

I look at the picture above and wonder how anyone can think such a thing.

I thought I knew what I would write about 2013. Now I’m sitting here, ready to put my whirlwind of thoughts into words and I find that I’m at a loss. If I’m being completely honest with myself, the year kind of sucked.

Don’t get me wrong, there were brilliant parts. After nearly six years of life and love together, Justin and I married. Dear friends took the same plunge while others added little ones to their families. We adopted a new cat to be a companion to the seven year old feline we already had. I discovered a doctor willing and able to help me, learned I have hypothyroidism, and determined what medication would help me live my life more fully. I think I’ve figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Furthermore, I’ve come to terms with it and have started taking steps to make that a reality.

But the bad bits? The bad bits overshadowed much of the joy. A dear friend lost her battle to an aggressive form of breast cancer in late 2012 and I spent a lot of the first few months of 2013 processing that loss. The company where I have worked for the better part of six years started to undergo some changes and I have spent more than a little time wondering where I’ll fit in the future of the business.

My world really seemed to revolve around work in 2013 and, as a result, home wasn’t a priority; the house has been a mess and we’ve eaten more meals out than I care to contemplate. Reading, writing, music, and photography were all out of the question as life became less about living and more about making it through another week, especially with wedding planning thrown into the mix.

Every year I pick a word to summarize what I want to accomplish in the 12 months ahead. In 2013, I wanted to discover. In the midst of survival, I think I did discover a lot. I’ve learned that I want my marriage to be full of love, laughter, and open communication. I want my home to be tidy, as continually clean might be a bit of a stretch. I want to focus more on the things I have always loved to do and less on the things that frustrate me.

The year also reaffirmed that I am indeed fortunate. My mom, my friends, and my husband always listen to, encourage, and love me. I honestly don’t know what I would do without such an amazing system of support. Justin and I have a nice house and two cats who are tollerant of one another most of the time. I haven’t felt the need to actively worry about money for a while, which is an amazing, freeing experience.

I think I can call the discovery portion of 2013 a rousing success.

So what’s my word for 2014?

Create.